erratic

sleep is erratic
moods are erratic.

yoga slows me down, evens out the pattern a little.  but i do not feel all here or there, just scattered, scattered all over the place.

i am awake when i should be asleep and sleeping upside down all day. i am not sure if i feel sick, or if i am just not eating enough.  this isn't a depressed post - i'm not unhappy, just erratic. things are shifting under my skin, i forgot how it feels when your skin slips away and that movement below you starts to shudder and you lose touch with the ground and you start to ... fall... i don't know if it is beautiful or terrifying or meaningless. i don't know where it is, and even as i get older, i am still stabbing in the dark.

i'd like to make it all simple again, reduce my life back and back, receed it. was there some point where i started twisting the patterns into more and more detailed, messy loops and i forgot how to draw the lines clearly?  i can't even remember when it started. i would have been 14 or so, i guess, maybe that was the marker, or when i fell in love with words and emailed from an invisible face at the other end of the lake.  i think that was it, 16 and digging a hole. that was ten years ago.  it was ten years ago, now.  how did that happen?  how the fuck did it happen that i'm 26 in a month or so?  i don't understand how all those years folded behind me - my mind is not holding them tight, the moments slip away, faster and faster, and what have i hear? i hold out my hands and i am scared because i still do not know where i am going.  i still feel like a child. i still feel blind. do we ever get any sort of footing?

i'm finding meaning in music.  it's hazy, yeah, but i feel something clearer coming out of the fog.  i'm not strong, i'm not strong. i feel fragile and easily broken, and that's what it is, you know, the reservations are slipping away and i cannot contain this feeling, i cannot contain it, and this, this is not the way i was heading. 


but i've got that taste in my mouth again.