open

well, i've opened my blog up a little more now.  hardly publicised, but it's not hidden.  i've had a habit of doing so after a previous one was 'unearthed' - not that it was particularly salacious, unless you count a rather tedious diatribe about a nasty break up to be of interest - by someone who i'd rather, well, didn't contact me.  if by some peculiar chance they choose to this time, well - /insert image of me, one eyebrow raised, confusion lighting up my face/.

reading wise, i've slowed down with the season. winter makes me withdraw, and i over-filled my time for six months. i fell behind at work, i fell behind in my general movements, and become tired. so now, i recharge.  i'm listening to podcasts, and knitting a lace shawl from a pattern off ravelry.  i'm trying to get better at chess; my Gentleman-Caller is excellent (he claims coyness...) and i'd like to at least be slightly more challenging than the feeble, easily defeated moppet i currently am.

workwise, i am attempting Ambition. there's a half-hearted attempt for me to find places to Go Towards. lots of dim lit scattered capital letters. they are quietly optimistic, but realistic at the same time.

things i've never seriously contemplated are seeming like serious and viable options - this is exciting and scary.  i'm looking at circles and sparkles and i'm not sure how this makes me feel, other than extraordinarily happy, in a way that's new to me. 

blogging is something that comforts me. i feel happy enough and safe enough to return to it, without more hungry ghosts leaping down my throat at phrases that do not belong to them.  i've been doing this since 2000. it's how i purge.  and i do it in silence, and not for an audience, and i occasionally forget, and remember again. it's like life drawing - the art of finding, and losing and finding the image over and over again until some sort of whole is made up. that's what blogging does, it creates a space for thinking and feeling and gives a comfortable context.

i'm thinking about study.  real study - abstract, non-vocational, internal, intense study.  everything is paused for the next six months though, until i know where i am going, and my god-forsaken library masters is over.  two more subjects, and i have the paper, and i'll be walking out, awarded, MIS behind my  name.  furiously hungry to get rid of it.  furiously eager to dig my teeth into something else. itching for this little patch of waiting and tapping my toes and saving every penny and eating out of cans to empty so i can uplift my belongings and start start start... perhaps.