Saturday, May 29, 2010

uni vers ity end god please

 it makes me wracked.  wrecked.  i end up useless and moved without warning from high to low. stress is unbearable for me - it shifts my moods faster and faster and they run rings around me. i end up not knowing what i am doing, or where i am going, or why, and i forget things, like getting to work on time, or how to stay awake, or how to sleep, or why i can't spend all my money, or what i was studying today, or even why i was bothering, why? what am i DOING? it's not like i am career focused to start with - but combined with study and stress and frustration and chewing off my legs in irritation and slowness and static one day will this fucking END feeling i forget why i bother.

i am bored. i am bored out of my mind. i need something to ram against, and push against. i need something that's so hard and complex i cannot solve it. this is why i date so many arse holes. they are puzzles, ugly mutated ones, that i want to put together.  i want to pull myself apart and spread out my organs, one by one, and tell my own fortune from the entrails.

i want this semester to be over.


i also just finished reading Benjamin Law's book :

The Family Lawwhich made me feel really really happy and warm. there's one essay that ends just an inch too soon, but apart from that, i just adored it. he is funny, but it's also really touching and simple, and... kind?  you have the most intimate feeling for the family, the loved ones, and  yet you don't feel as though it's an invasive look at someone's family - it's respectful, and open, and funny, and there's fart jokes. i love all that stuff.




still plodding in Moby Dick. it's delicious and heavy and i want to swim in the fat of the words. 

Sunday, May 16, 2010

extra-ordinary frustration

small factors added up. no internet at home. (thus lack of posts, my iPhone toting reader/s).

i am waiting, stasis, in this repulsive town, tapping toes, watching sand, slip slip, waiting for gravity to take me. reading trash, watching money dust around me, eating broccoli, drinking beer, soft red fringes, sleeping (always sleeping) endless frustrated twitching, come ON, now, come ON....

but i'll get there. i know that. i am happy, just frustrated. moving, slowly.  escape route delayed a few months, still waiting.  letting some sense of that grinning stomping joyful creature i am seep back into me, and i stand tall, and i take in air, and i gather back everything that hungry hollow ghosts stole out from under me, day after day, more and more gathers below me.  and i will get free of this, oh yes. i will.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

storytime

i've been working with the most amazing papers the last few days - of the author Jack Lindsay.  i've been looking at the correspondence in his later years - he was in his seventies - between him and his contemporaries. one particular narrative captured me - a friend, colin, who wrote of his love affairs, and son and the mother of his son, of his mental health and struggles with drinking.... interspersed with, to be honest, pretty sub-par poetry.  i sort of fell in love with him, this man in his 40's, fighting through life, falling in love and apart, and writing so passionately and desperately to his friend, typewritten letters from the late '70's.

i don't know if colin was prominent enough to end up being recorded - i mean, i could find out what happened to him without too much effort - when he died, etc. but i want to know what happened with his son aaron, and his wife, who also wrote to Jack using this big, floral script with little circles over the i's, and pastel coloured pencils. 

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

cold

now, it's like scalpels. it's like being choked and dragged down the street, or like your body is being pushed from every single angle by opposing forces, until you crumble under the weight. i forget how fast it gets cold here. it's only my third winter.

it brings with it a quiet darkness in my mind as well, which wraps around my neck as well, pulling tighter.  and it'll grab me forcefully and kick me to the ground and yell at me about being meaningless again. and it's a lie. i know this. it's only a week, or a few days even. i know what's happening, and this too will pass away, and soon i'll slip back into my more normal state. but a change of seasons will bring it in, dark curtains over my head, and i will drown a little day by day until i swim again.


i want to buy books. somehow i feel like this will cheer me up. or i'll have a bath. i ate duck, and it was good, and drank red wine. i want to be coiled up around another warm body like a spring, reminding me i am alive, but i don't trust myself.  i don't trust what i want, or what i'd veil in cautious optimism as a possibility.  sshhhhh. shh. don't put your eggs in that basket. remember, it always ends like this.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

dry

the words feel dry in my mouth tonight.  it's not flowing in any way. i don't feel like i have anything to say, or any way to say it, or any way to tell people to give me a job, or give me a chance, or give me a moment.

oh, little chicken, you're barking up the wrong tree again. just go back to sleep, because you, and your little impossible dreams are not going to get you anywhere. you might dream it real, but you are small, and invisible, and you will sleep alone again tonight, like last night, and tomorrow.

not that i'm bound to this, or that it's a real outline of who or what i am. i don't believe i am worthless or unlovable or unloved.  just right now, i feel isolated and stuck, and like i have forgotten how to get where i am going. or even why i am going there. i get caught up in the magic of my own deceptions, this thrilling tail chasing glee, circles in the mud, giggles and fleeing my own time and heart, and then i stop, and i am here, and i am left, silent and alone again.

i'm not trying to fill a space. i just wonder if i'm left looking for things in ridiculous places, or if my idealism is constantly misplaced.  i feel like i've been awake for years when it's been a day, and i feel like i'll never feel that shuddering shrugging joy of slipping away into another human being again mutually.  you are being stupid, little chicken, you know this. close your eyes, open up, stretch out and wait. and wait.

but i am tired.

Monday, May 3, 2010

study

it always leaves me feeling dragged and buggered without enough preparation. i hate it. i hate it.  i struggle painfully with the constant heavy anxiety. and now, i'm over the halfway mark of this semester - three pieces of assessment down, two to go.  i just have to scrape through, and keep going.  one word, one step, one movement after another...one barely connected thought after another.... stringing it together, one day at a time.

i am stubborn though, and determined to get there.  i drank tea, and wrote dewey numbers, and fuck, i don't even know if i did any of them right, but let's hope i did well enough to scrape through.

i'm also very ... unreliable with uni. i don't care a lot about it. i care about finishing. i care about getting the qualification. but i have no work ethic. i have no passion for what i am doing. i find it boring, and frustrating, and time wasting, and i just want it over.  so, day. after. day. one day at a time. i can get this thing done. 

escape plan ... this too will pass away.