rapture

i am reading it again.  oh lordy, oh lordy.

it is spectacular.  it is huge and takes me far away, in small words.  carol ann duffy, my god, breathless.

the darkness clears a little. heavy depression for last two days, clouding the day until 3 or 4, when i can get up and my joints can move again. it is slow and uncomfortable until then, and sad and dark, but i can move then, in the afternoon, the shade is comfortable and comforting and it is ok again. 

i hope tomorrow i can rise up a little better with sunrise and not the afternoon. i have a parcel on my desk at work, and i am sick of sleeping all day in order to survive. 

i have a 40% voucher at borders. i have a bad feeling i need to spend this tomorrow as a reward for going to work. self-bribing.

head above water. i feel like i am the last priority, the least important, the most invisible. the most superfluous and meaningless, like slip away, slip away, and ouch, it never hurts less, does it?  it always hurts.