fire

i am tired. at the moment, the air conditioning at work is infuriating me - it just doesn't work in my area. small thing, but it's uncomfortably warm, and not good for collection items. so this makes me crankier, and crankier, and more irritated than i would normally be.

and i am irritated on top of that, and sad and hurt and lonely.

so. i am making a list of things i like. making lists is one of the things i like, and it stops me sounding cranky all the time. see, i mainly use blogs to vent, not anything else, well, vent and write about books i've read. it's not representative. there are good things, an infinite number of them in my hands like sand, so i pull some out here, and show them to the light. show and tell.

Yoga. it makes me feel fuller, and more real than anything has in ages. it makes me feel happy and like my feet move more consciously and like my steps make me move.

the fact that Bee is safe.

this curry i made. it was so delicious, my lips are pursed and humming from the heat of it. and it's about a week's worth of food. good work, there.

my conference paper draft i am doing with J.at work. it's going super. we are getting step-by-step closer to having it in a conference, and i am really proud of myself, and j, for making it this far. and yeah, it feels like no one understands how important this it to me, but i called L, and mum, and a. at work, and lark, and i know they'll all be excited for us. and j and i are pleased with each other. this is good. i am working hard on my career.

cutting back my drinking.

my pets. big warm heart.

walking to work every so often, the way the air here smells before ten am, oh lord, it's beautiful. i may hate living here, but there are a lot of beautiful things about this repulsive city and the smell of the air is definitely one of them.

my tummy.

the poster i have on my wall above my bed. it has stars and trees and hands and the trees grow out of the hands.

sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed.

approaching autumn.

distance from past, and the forgetting it brings.

learning more about the area i am in at work, and getting better at my job.

looking (sort of) forward to study. the fact i am trying really hard to be gentle on myself, and remind myself that i can apply myself. i can do well. i can work hard. and i will.

babysitters club femme-slash

buddy, (my sister's cat) being ok.

pictures on my wall.

books. my cave of them. let them fall down on my body.

not sitting back and letting people say shit that bothers me. starting to assert myself and not feel like i need to be trod on anymore. getting something back of myself, again. stop throwing it out, lady. it's valuable.