it's my fault, in the sense that i end up convinced that i am being a total idiot for caring about shit and that i should harden the fuck up and not make such a big deal about little things until i get really upset and really sad and really mental because rather than just saying something i ended up all neurotic and demented and stupid and convinced that if i say something i'm going to upset them uselessly for something i should have worked out because it was my own damn issue in the first fucking place.

i just get tied up and not sure if it does matter or if it doesn't matter or if it's something i can fix without asking the other party to change or if it's something that can be changed or if i am being a dickhead or if i am going to hurt someone or if i should shut up or if i should just give up on trying to relate with people at all on any level and run off to japan and join a fucking nunnery or something. i hate my brain. this is what comes of NOT having relationships as a teenager because i swear to god that is where people work shit out.