doing better than expected

at Goals, already. savings going well. less conspicuous consumption, this is helped enormously by cooking, which i'm aiming to do every night, with a maximum of two nights Purchased food, but aiming for one or less... only one brunch, two coffee's per day, treats from home, lunch from home. so far...? so good.

i went swimming with dogs yesterday. a pudgy, lovable staffy pup crawled into my lap and licked my face enthusiastically. he had been paddling, all wet and soft, all paws and little nose, and he curled up on my lap like it was an island. a little girl was dragging him around lovingly, playing like two little creatures with nothing else but water and sand.

my skin is brisk, red, sore. my heart is brisk, red, sore, but for other reasons.

i'm not used to any sort of space where the time spent apart seems to be .. the preference to seeing me or touching me or having me around. i feel ugly and unwanted and over the top and dumb. and i don't think i am being needy. i just want to feel wanted, which shouldn't be too much to ask, but is a very difficult thing to ask when you don't have it.

i am starting to take pleasure in cooking, and fantasising about homewares and bookshelves for when i get My Little House. my little animals make me so happy, the way the lizards cut triangles into bananas, the way the bunnies just look at me, and snuggle in my lap sometimes, or leap around, aerobatic and slightly lopsided, and altogether silly. such joy. i cannot imagine life without animals. well, no, i can. i grew up without them, with the exception of a slow little budgy named buttercup, and my mnemeth, a lizard i had for two years in my teens. they punctuate that time with love. mnemey and i would watch tv - he'd sit on my arm beside me, little lizard snuggles, or curl up on a magazine rack. he lived in my room until he outgrew the tank in there, moving into a large glass tank out the back. he died after not eating for a long time, fussiness or sickness, it's hard to say. it hurts.