constructive

turned non-constructive : idiotic argument with Mother over something trivial. frustrating. unfortunately, we both struggle to listen to each other, because we've said the same things over and over again. i am sure there is more to it than that, but it is head butting rams, over and over again.

today: rabbits and guinea pigs in petstore. we named them and watched them play. housecleaning. smell of orange. dinner. hair. bunnies. sleeping, always sleeping.

marking time. waiting for something to happen. reading. bitsy reading, nothing really grabbing me right now, unfortunately. the sea, the sea is leaving me dry.

fabulous short stories in 'the lifted brow, 5'

etc. etc. one of those weekends that is productive but leaves me feel that sort of waiting moments.

i thought about the things i've gained from each lover. it's something i try and focus on - the things that they gave me, or enriched in me:

1. shelley & byron. opened the library in my heart. Kawabata, and japanese literature. experimental thought- feminism/marxism. fucking. kafka. baudelaire.

2. the world. art. bourges, artaud, so much music i cannot start listing, more books, more things.... a lot of what we read, we took on together. it was an exchange. so the items matter less than the way of learning. removing a lot of what i had built up. the world.

3. opening another way of seeing. beirut. sufjan stevens.

4. holding my hand as i looked into an abyss. rich, juicy conversation. bauldrillard, zen buddhism, as viewed, as interrogated in different eyes. Perec. bachelard, camus. and on. and on. the ability to say when someone's behaviour is shit. the ability to accept difference, accept what isn't and appreciate what is, for what it is. growing with someone, watching them grow from up close, and afar. depth. time. space. it's hard to articulate the vantage with this in words, though i could, possibly, through interpretative dance.

5. comics. potato balls. larkin and auden. contemporary poetry. resilience from being shat on.


it's best to only look through them retrospectively. it's not exhaustive, in fact, it's barely more than tiny fragments of what i have from these people. it's a start though, gratitude for what i gained from each of these five individuals, more so than what the first and the last took away.