i am reading it again. oh lordy, oh lordy.
it is spectacular. it is huge and takes me far away, in small words. carol ann duffy, my god, breathless.
the darkness clears a little. heavy depression for last two days, clouding the day until 3 or 4, when i can get up and my joints can move again. it is slow and uncomfortable until then, and sad and dark, but i can move then, in the afternoon, the shade is comfortable and comforting and it is ok again.
i hope tomorrow i can rise up a little better with sunrise and not the afternoon. i have a parcel on my desk at work, and i am sick of sleeping all day in order to survive.
i have a 40% voucher at borders. i have a bad feeling i need to spend this tomorrow as a reward for going to work. self-bribing.
head above water. i feel like i am the last priority, the least important, the most invisible. the most superfluous and meaningless, like slip away, slip away, and ouch, it never hurts less, does it? it always hurts.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
treading
this will be fractured.
just finished reading this. thus begins moving to veganism.
just finished reading this. thus begins moving to veganism.it's been something i've been thinking about for awhile. is the benefit i gain from eating meat something i am comfortable with in the context of the harm it causes? it no longer is. and, tying into eating meat is dairy, and eggs, and leather, and other animal products. is the production, and consumption of these items worth the many issues involved? is it too much of a cost for me to forgo them? it no longer is.
fractured.
it's also an excellent book. measured in its approach, non emotive, respectful of all the individuals, from those factory farmers, and those consuming factory farmed goods, to strict vegans. at no time does it feel at though Singer is taking the moral high ground - at no point does it feel as though his mind is made up. it comes across that the ideology behind meat and animal products is being evaluated every step of the way, considered, and kindly so. it is easy to read, it does not hold back in evaluating the problems, but at the same time, does not go for shock value. it allows the reader to come away from the book with a reasoned approach, and a reasoned understanding of the issues.
i want another bookshelf.more.more.more.more.
i ate too soon to do yoga, and now i am exhausted. it's 10 pm, and i have only been awake since 6pm. four hours. too much to be awake. mind is foggy, foggy, too heavy, too heavy. it is lagging behind me, i walk too slow. i need to sleep. if i don't, it drives things underground. sleep heals me.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
fire
i am tired. at the moment, the air conditioning at work is infuriating me - it just doesn't work in my area. small thing, but it's uncomfortably warm, and not good for collection items. so this makes me crankier, and crankier, and more irritated than i would normally be.
and i am irritated on top of that, and sad and hurt and lonely.
so. i am making a list of things i like. making lists is one of the things i like, and it stops me sounding cranky all the time. see, i mainly use blogs to vent, not anything else, well, vent and write about books i've read. it's not representative. there are good things, an infinite number of them in my hands like sand, so i pull some out here, and show them to the light. show and tell.
Yoga. it makes me feel fuller, and more real than anything has in ages. it makes me feel happy and like my feet move more consciously and like my steps make me move.
the fact that Bee is safe.
this curry i made. it was so delicious, my lips are pursed and humming from the heat of it. and it's about a week's worth of food. good work, there.
my conference paper draft i am doing with J.at work. it's going super. we are getting step-by-step closer to having it in a conference, and i am really proud of myself, and j, for making it this far. and yeah, it feels like no one understands how important this it to me, but i called L, and mum, and a. at work, and lark, and i know they'll all be excited for us. and j and i are pleased with each other. this is good. i am working hard on my career.
cutting back my drinking.
my pets. big warm heart.
walking to work every so often, the way the air here smells before ten am, oh lord, it's beautiful. i may hate living here, but there are a lot of beautiful things about this repulsive city and the smell of the air is definitely one of them.
my tummy.
the poster i have on my wall above my bed. it has stars and trees and hands and the trees grow out of the hands.
sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed.
approaching autumn.
distance from past, and the forgetting it brings.
learning more about the area i am in at work, and getting better at my job.
looking (sort of) forward to study. the fact i am trying really hard to be gentle on myself, and remind myself that i can apply myself. i can do well. i can work hard. and i will.
babysitters club femme-slash
buddy, (my sister's cat) being ok.
pictures on my wall.
books. my cave of them. let them fall down on my body.
not sitting back and letting people say shit that bothers me. starting to assert myself and not feel like i need to be trod on anymore. getting something back of myself, again. stop throwing it out, lady. it's valuable.
and i am irritated on top of that, and sad and hurt and lonely.
so. i am making a list of things i like. making lists is one of the things i like, and it stops me sounding cranky all the time. see, i mainly use blogs to vent, not anything else, well, vent and write about books i've read. it's not representative. there are good things, an infinite number of them in my hands like sand, so i pull some out here, and show them to the light. show and tell.
Yoga. it makes me feel fuller, and more real than anything has in ages. it makes me feel happy and like my feet move more consciously and like my steps make me move.
the fact that Bee is safe.
this curry i made. it was so delicious, my lips are pursed and humming from the heat of it. and it's about a week's worth of food. good work, there.
my conference paper draft i am doing with J.at work. it's going super. we are getting step-by-step closer to having it in a conference, and i am really proud of myself, and j, for making it this far. and yeah, it feels like no one understands how important this it to me, but i called L, and mum, and a. at work, and lark, and i know they'll all be excited for us. and j and i are pleased with each other. this is good. i am working hard on my career.
cutting back my drinking.
my pets. big warm heart.
walking to work every so often, the way the air here smells before ten am, oh lord, it's beautiful. i may hate living here, but there are a lot of beautiful things about this repulsive city and the smell of the air is definitely one of them.
my tummy.
the poster i have on my wall above my bed. it has stars and trees and hands and the trees grow out of the hands.
sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed.
approaching autumn.
distance from past, and the forgetting it brings.
learning more about the area i am in at work, and getting better at my job.
looking (sort of) forward to study. the fact i am trying really hard to be gentle on myself, and remind myself that i can apply myself. i can do well. i can work hard. and i will.
babysitters club femme-slash
buddy, (my sister's cat) being ok.
pictures on my wall.
books. my cave of them. let them fall down on my body.
not sitting back and letting people say shit that bothers me. starting to assert myself and not feel like i need to be trod on anymore. getting something back of myself, again. stop throwing it out, lady. it's valuable.
Monday, February 15, 2010
not enough
i read my wonderful beee's journal, and oh god, i smell dry air and sweat and somewhere far away. and god, i long for something to happen. i feel silent here. this place, this way of living, it seems to negate humanity, that rare, raw, beautiful, flesh ripping struggle, and sinks down into ennui. ennui is the perfect, perfect description for this revolting town. in summer, it hovers in the huge blue sky, in the perfect streets with seventies architecture and organised garbage bins. it infuses all of us, from one body sprawled on a couch to another, one set of minds all vacant, moving from one mildly amusing you tube clip to another.
we are hungry, but all we eat is rice. we are rich, so so so rich and yet, we pour out our spare change and look at it, desperate and frustrated after spending every cent on shit we don't want. the big leaves on the lines of maple trees, eurocentric invaders, are still green, and heavy, and everything moves slow. when it rains, people pull faces at the inconvenience. my shoes i bought cheap leaked walking to yoga, and there were little ponds in there, and there was something wonderful about how cold and wrinkly my toes were. but that was about as alive as i felt, cold rain on my calf muscle as the rest of me is under an umbrella and i rush towards the shops, towards the things-i-do-not-need.
i go, shop to shop, pausing over more books more books more more, you don't understand, i need them all i need to consume them i need them like a second skin, because THEY are the only things that make me feel alive, that and fucking, and my pets, and that occasional moment of awareness i get. i tie my hands behind my back, and buy too much food, and plan meals instead, because it stops me buying to ease the ennui. i pause and lightly finger stores, items, the ground, an icecream that will make me feel slightly sick. i walk, my shoes squelching, my skin on my feet folding in.
when i wake up, i feel like my dreams were more real than this automation is. there is no strong pungent odour that makes me feel something real, and there is no drive under my skin making me catch my breath with the beauty of it all. there is just one step after another. it's not calm, or dramatic, or anything at all. it's not a peaceful sort of quietness, it's just that pause before something happens. only, only nothing actually does.
we are hungry, but all we eat is rice. we are rich, so so so rich and yet, we pour out our spare change and look at it, desperate and frustrated after spending every cent on shit we don't want. the big leaves on the lines of maple trees, eurocentric invaders, are still green, and heavy, and everything moves slow. when it rains, people pull faces at the inconvenience. my shoes i bought cheap leaked walking to yoga, and there were little ponds in there, and there was something wonderful about how cold and wrinkly my toes were. but that was about as alive as i felt, cold rain on my calf muscle as the rest of me is under an umbrella and i rush towards the shops, towards the things-i-do-not-need.
i go, shop to shop, pausing over more books more books more more, you don't understand, i need them all i need to consume them i need them like a second skin, because THEY are the only things that make me feel alive, that and fucking, and my pets, and that occasional moment of awareness i get. i tie my hands behind my back, and buy too much food, and plan meals instead, because it stops me buying to ease the ennui. i pause and lightly finger stores, items, the ground, an icecream that will make me feel slightly sick. i walk, my shoes squelching, my skin on my feet folding in.
when i wake up, i feel like my dreams were more real than this automation is. there is no strong pungent odour that makes me feel something real, and there is no drive under my skin making me catch my breath with the beauty of it all. there is just one step after another. it's not calm, or dramatic, or anything at all. it's not a peaceful sort of quietness, it's just that pause before something happens. only, only nothing actually does.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
day
along with what seems to be many people, i dislike valentines day. not with a passion; i am fairly indifferent to it, actually. it just strikes me as stupid, and false, and not a genuine way of one human being expressing to another that they care, for any other reason than it is A Day where this is What We Do. it's not special or lovely, just dull and, well. silly.
last valentines day, i was given a home made card.
a few weeks later, i broke up with him for being a child.
he told me we could make it work, so i tried, but one week later, he changed his mind, broke up with me, started dating someone else that evening, and
a month or so later, they were engaged, and she was pregnant.
ha. so, forgive me if my faith in love is far from devout. he is just a bad taste in my mouth now, a massive, ugly, old mistake i never should have made. but i do not trust Declarations of HUGE Epic Devotion, or of the Passion and Love and Fullness of Adoration. i find them wanting, and as though they hide something else. the more words you need to use to tell me something, the more likely it's not being communicated properly, or you don't really mean it.
i would rather nothing was said than a lie, and i would rather be alone than be with someone just because they felt romance and passion was beautiful, irrespective of the situation, or because they were too scared to be alone.
i can see Creepy Man, (my neighbour) in a pair of shorts and nothing else, sitting on his computer. he keeps leering across the courtyard in my direction and it unsettles me.
morning yoga was brilliant, left me feeling more alive and awake than i did before. finally finding exercise i enjoy has been a long painful process. i am glad i have.
last valentines day, i was given a home made card.
a few weeks later, i broke up with him for being a child.
he told me we could make it work, so i tried, but one week later, he changed his mind, broke up with me, started dating someone else that evening, and
a month or so later, they were engaged, and she was pregnant.
ha. so, forgive me if my faith in love is far from devout. he is just a bad taste in my mouth now, a massive, ugly, old mistake i never should have made. but i do not trust Declarations of HUGE Epic Devotion, or of the Passion and Love and Fullness of Adoration. i find them wanting, and as though they hide something else. the more words you need to use to tell me something, the more likely it's not being communicated properly, or you don't really mean it.
i would rather nothing was said than a lie, and i would rather be alone than be with someone just because they felt romance and passion was beautiful, irrespective of the situation, or because they were too scared to be alone.
i can see Creepy Man, (my neighbour) in a pair of shorts and nothing else, sitting on his computer. he keeps leering across the courtyard in my direction and it unsettles me.
morning yoga was brilliant, left me feeling more alive and awake than i did before. finally finding exercise i enjoy has been a long painful process. i am glad i have.
Friday, February 12, 2010
rocking chair
this is my new chair.
bunny seems to approve of it.
Recent book acquisitions :
I've been meaning to buy a copy ever since i read about it on Jeanette Winterson's website. so far, it is incredibly. utterly, breathtakingly incredible. it makes me wish impossible things, and makes me hungry. it makes me sit in the rain and feel like the tears are not salty. oh oh oh. it is beautiful.
and this one, i just found randomly in a bookstore. series of short stories, (yes, one by Jeanette Winterson... theme much?) for a really amazingly cheap price. collect em all, i say. i love short stories though. they are a beautiful place to play in language, and form, and deliciousness.i'm thinking about trying my hand/fingertips at poetry again some time. it likely won't see the light of day... i feel self concious about whatever i write, poetrywise, and i doubt it'd be of much literarrrrrry worth, whatever i splutter out. i haven't found the voice yet, my voice, any voice. minimal words, sketching shapes with a few lines and letting our hearts fill in the rest? i just don't know, i really don't.
nor am i sure what i am trying to say.
and that is ok.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
long day
with too much movement.
i got home, and went to get out of the car i was driven home in. across the road from my apartment complex, there used to be an emergency centre for animals - it's recently moved across town, but with very little publicity, and without changing the directory online. i saw a couple, one in the car, and the other with something wrapped in a blanket buzzing the door and pacing.
i ran over to them, and called my housemate who could check the new location online for me. a little dog was in the man's arms, wrapped in a gray blanket, his nose poking out, his face wet and his terrier hair sticking up. he was crying, wailing, so high pitched and heartbroken that i wanted to cry with him. it hurt to hear it, to see these tiny little toes poking out of the blanket, hearing him cry. they got in the car, drove off with the address, clearly panicked and heartbroken and distressed beyond belief. their baby, their little one, oh god, oh god.
too much drama, too much pace and fury and temperaments and speed and abject. it is too much, i want to slow down to vegan cupcakes and hair cuts and cuddles and rabbits.
i got home, and went to get out of the car i was driven home in. across the road from my apartment complex, there used to be an emergency centre for animals - it's recently moved across town, but with very little publicity, and without changing the directory online. i saw a couple, one in the car, and the other with something wrapped in a blanket buzzing the door and pacing.
i ran over to them, and called my housemate who could check the new location online for me. a little dog was in the man's arms, wrapped in a gray blanket, his nose poking out, his face wet and his terrier hair sticking up. he was crying, wailing, so high pitched and heartbroken that i wanted to cry with him. it hurt to hear it, to see these tiny little toes poking out of the blanket, hearing him cry. they got in the car, drove off with the address, clearly panicked and heartbroken and distressed beyond belief. their baby, their little one, oh god, oh god.
too much drama, too much pace and fury and temperaments and speed and abject. it is too much, i want to slow down to vegan cupcakes and hair cuts and cuddles and rabbits.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
expectations
there are times when you know things may, no, likely will happen. and then they do, and you understand then that you could not actually be prepared for how you feel.
one of the people who i consider a soul - mate - a friend who has changed my life and saved my life in more ways than i can count - had a very close call. vague vague, yes yes, because her battle is not for the little-ness of my blog, my tiny sand pit where i put words into buckets and prop them up until they fall... she is much greater and bigger than that.
but she is breathtaking. she is strong, and wise, and i would die for her. she is brave, and incredible, and full of life and fire and energy, and if a single person tries to hurt what she is doing, i'll stop at nothing to bring that down as fast as i can, with peace, yes, but i will.
i first saw her outside a cafe. it was under a year ago, oh yes. she was tiny, this beautiful tiny punk angel with a skateboard and a beautiful shy grin, and a wild mane of black hair and with studs in her cheeks - cigarette from her fingers. she loved the bunnies straight away. she walked into my sloppy, disorganised house, and just took to it, and was excited by my nest of a room, its strange smells, my own eccentricities and the fact i am a pain in the arse to live with. she took all this, all the dullness and the confusion i was feeling, the blank walls and my blank and cold and heaving sobbing lonely heart (i'd just had the worst break up i've experienced) and made everything beautiful again.
i spoke to her today for the first time since she went away. hearing her voice again made me almost cry. i cannot say how much i love this girl, how wonderful and magical she is. and she's safe for now, and i will fight for her in my tiny tiny snuffle nosed bunny, far away city sort of way, however i can. because she is Something Else. she touches things and makes them magical. this city is colder and uglier without her, in more ways than i can say. this country is.
when someone you love like that is in danger, it changes everything. your body seizes up, muscles under your skull frozen into place. your fingers cannot move right. your heart cannot move right. NOTHING moves right. because you want to run to them and save them, faster than light, but there's nothing you can really do. and you realise this just collapses over and over itself for so many people all around the world.
she loved autumn, and owls, and soy milk poured over blueberries. she is a vegan, with the most amazing hair on earth, and adorable denim skirts with leopard print and cheetah patches. she is compassionate and fiery and intelligent and sharp, SO sharp, but the kindest, most gentle soul on earth. we watched the bunnies in the apartment, drinking goon from the bag, saying 'hoppity hoppity hop!' and photocopying random items in the apartment on the printer.
love.
one of the people who i consider a soul - mate - a friend who has changed my life and saved my life in more ways than i can count - had a very close call. vague vague, yes yes, because her battle is not for the little-ness of my blog, my tiny sand pit where i put words into buckets and prop them up until they fall... she is much greater and bigger than that.
but she is breathtaking. she is strong, and wise, and i would die for her. she is brave, and incredible, and full of life and fire and energy, and if a single person tries to hurt what she is doing, i'll stop at nothing to bring that down as fast as i can, with peace, yes, but i will.
i first saw her outside a cafe. it was under a year ago, oh yes. she was tiny, this beautiful tiny punk angel with a skateboard and a beautiful shy grin, and a wild mane of black hair and with studs in her cheeks - cigarette from her fingers. she loved the bunnies straight away. she walked into my sloppy, disorganised house, and just took to it, and was excited by my nest of a room, its strange smells, my own eccentricities and the fact i am a pain in the arse to live with. she took all this, all the dullness and the confusion i was feeling, the blank walls and my blank and cold and heaving sobbing lonely heart (i'd just had the worst break up i've experienced) and made everything beautiful again.
i spoke to her today for the first time since she went away. hearing her voice again made me almost cry. i cannot say how much i love this girl, how wonderful and magical she is. and she's safe for now, and i will fight for her in my tiny tiny snuffle nosed bunny, far away city sort of way, however i can. because she is Something Else. she touches things and makes them magical. this city is colder and uglier without her, in more ways than i can say. this country is.
when someone you love like that is in danger, it changes everything. your body seizes up, muscles under your skull frozen into place. your fingers cannot move right. your heart cannot move right. NOTHING moves right. because you want to run to them and save them, faster than light, but there's nothing you can really do. and you realise this just collapses over and over itself for so many people all around the world.
she loved autumn, and owls, and soy milk poured over blueberries. she is a vegan, with the most amazing hair on earth, and adorable denim skirts with leopard print and cheetah patches. she is compassionate and fiery and intelligent and sharp, SO sharp, but the kindest, most gentle soul on earth. we watched the bunnies in the apartment, drinking goon from the bag, saying 'hoppity hoppity hop!' and photocopying random items in the apartment on the printer.
love.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
shiver
a teen novel that i enjoyed, but loathed the end of.
Shiver
was going fine, slow and lazy and not too much to worry about, only the cold and days getting shorter, until a stupid conflict got shoved in the end. it sped it up far too much, and made me feel uncomfortable. a shame, the book was otherwise wonderful.
i'm now trawling my blogs for interesting sounding new fiction, and trying to collect old stuff that's decent and i've somehow missed. i feel i should read some Richard Yeats, just because Tao Lin's named his new book after him. i also want to read The Old Man and The Sea
because, not only is it something i am Supposed To Read, it actually sounds interesting.
i had Yoga today. i am surprised how wonderful i feel after it. i think this is going to be very, very good for me - the monkey mind is stiller, slower, better.
operation Being A More Constructive Human is going ok. less drinking, tick. exercise, tick. cooked dinner, packed lunches, tick. and a decent enough amount of groceries for this week too. once spending is controlled better, things will be swimming.
Shiver
was going fine, slow and lazy and not too much to worry about, only the cold and days getting shorter, until a stupid conflict got shoved in the end. it sped it up far too much, and made me feel uncomfortable. a shame, the book was otherwise wonderful.
i'm now trawling my blogs for interesting sounding new fiction, and trying to collect old stuff that's decent and i've somehow missed. i feel i should read some Richard Yeats, just because Tao Lin's named his new book after him. i also want to read The Old Man and The Sea
because, not only is it something i am Supposed To Read, it actually sounds interesting.
i had Yoga today. i am surprised how wonderful i feel after it. i think this is going to be very, very good for me - the monkey mind is stiller, slower, better.
operation Being A More Constructive Human is going ok. less drinking, tick. exercise, tick. cooked dinner, packed lunches, tick. and a decent enough amount of groceries for this week too. once spending is controlled better, things will be swimming.
Friday, February 5, 2010
purple
hair dye afternoon itchy fingers. my lizards are eating. they are happy with this, tasty crumbs on their little faces, running their faces inside a plastic dish for more. emma gave the rats a fig. she is visiting from sydney and i adore her, bright orange hair like a brilliant gorgeous pumpkin.
i miss my b. she's far away, faraway secret pathways, off, off saving the world, and she saved mine, you know, when i found her on facebook. i miss her each day. me and the boy posted a photo of the Palestine tent at the multicultural festival today. the boy didn't buy lemonade from the israaeli tent. it's our way of protesting. ha.
i feel sensible today, clear headed and real again. i need hard carnality to function. it's like hunger, or exhaustion for me - when i don't have intense physical intimacy, a part of me erodes and i start to go cardboard box inside out, fill me, fill me, FILL ME, until each cell in my body is screaming hollering begging pleading fighting tearing to be fucked. and then i am, and the storm is over the air smells fresh and i breathe again.
i've got a swag of books on order. i want more. another Tao Lin, 'scorched atlas' 'The Late Work of Margaret Kroftis (Little House on the Bowery)' a stack of stuff for uni... now i am hungry for more more more to stretch my reading out like a hungry ghost....
Thursday, February 4, 2010
the baby sitters club
i used to write poems about the baby-sitters club.
i want to photoshop bauldrillard's face onto the cover of 'boy crazy stacey'. i like the idea of Toby the cute lifeguard, being bauldrillard's alter-ego.
i wished i could have been claudia, the hot artist, japanese-american one. but at heart, i think i was just mary-anne, the nerd who cried a lot. i think she's bisexual. i have nothing, however, to base this on.
long week. skin crawling. my kitchen smells so bad that is has become kind of interesting, and i don't want to clean it.
there is only one thing on my mind and it is driving everything else out.
i want to photoshop bauldrillard's face onto the cover of 'boy crazy stacey'. i like the idea of Toby the cute lifeguard, being bauldrillard's alter-ego.
i wished i could have been claudia, the hot artist, japanese-american one. but at heart, i think i was just mary-anne, the nerd who cried a lot. i think she's bisexual. i have nothing, however, to base this on.
long week. skin crawling. my kitchen smells so bad that is has become kind of interesting, and i don't want to clean it.
there is only one thing on my mind and it is driving everything else out.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
road and things
i think the mood that hung over me is mainly a result of seeing "the road". i knew it would be utterly brutal, and make me feel like a skinned animal. however, knowing that was how i would feel was utterly different to actually feeling like that.
not that i would dissuade people from seeing it - however - fuck. it was intense. i'm not in a hurry to see it again.
i start yoga this weekend. should be good. planning Papers and Writing and Things, as well as Uni and Work. the hive of activity tends to drag me out of the dull, quiet boredom that lays over me. movement. it's good. my reading however, is not going so well. not as much as i would like to be doing. cutting out drinking will help this, i think. not sure how. it might though.
not that i would dissuade people from seeing it - however - fuck. it was intense. i'm not in a hurry to see it again.
i start yoga this weekend. should be good. planning Papers and Writing and Things, as well as Uni and Work. the hive of activity tends to drag me out of the dull, quiet boredom that lays over me. movement. it's good. my reading however, is not going so well. not as much as i would like to be doing. cutting out drinking will help this, i think. not sure how. it might though.
Monday, February 1, 2010
blergh
feeling slightly less horrified by the world now. a lot of sleeping.
a lot.
back to an old home at work - the wonders of Manuscripts. it makes me happy, all these little pages, all these little fragments, you will never know what you find. and my productivity and planning is paying off. i am enrolled in uni. i have Ideas For Conferences. i have direction, and structure, and that's actually keeping me from falling into the big fat gaping hole i normally would about now. it's a little net. it's good, it's showing me another thing i can do to keep sane.
structure is actually what i need, very desperately. structure and discipline, rules that i arbitrarily set up and force myself to follow. it makes life simpler for me, and clearer. i can follow, i can walk, one foot, another, another, and follow the line on the footpath. i force myself into things, and i am fine. i swim. because i can swim. it is ok. one step. after. the other.
a lot.
back to an old home at work - the wonders of Manuscripts. it makes me happy, all these little pages, all these little fragments, you will never know what you find. and my productivity and planning is paying off. i am enrolled in uni. i have Ideas For Conferences. i have direction, and structure, and that's actually keeping me from falling into the big fat gaping hole i normally would about now. it's a little net. it's good, it's showing me another thing i can do to keep sane.
structure is actually what i need, very desperately. structure and discipline, rules that i arbitrarily set up and force myself to follow. it makes life simpler for me, and clearer. i can follow, i can walk, one foot, another, another, and follow the line on the footpath. i force myself into things, and i am fine. i swim. because i can swim. it is ok. one step. after. the other.
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