waiting

i get tired of this waiting feeling i have right now. it's an edginess, as though i am... waiting for something silent, something big? something small? something new? something repetitive? i can't put my finger on it.

am i waiting to feel acknowledged, or real, or visible, or desired? to be wanted and taken and consumed and hand over hand falling until i forget my name, forget how to breathe, there is nothing oh god, nothing just this tunnel, this place, this small space created between me and you .... ? that sort of rush feeling that now, i feel is probably the last thing i need ever again?

because i am waiting.

checking my phone, anticipation. i cook dinner eagerly wanting this to come. is this... thing... going to validate my existence somehow? if you reach out and touch me and i feel like you feel me and i feel you and there is some sort of sublime dreamy overarching transfiguration through that eee f l reorganized, will i be there? or you here? is there anybody there? i can't articulate it, i can't find it. i can't name it.