expectations

there are times when you know things may, no, likely will happen. and then they do, and you understand then that you could not actually be prepared for how you feel.

one of the people who i consider a soul - mate - a friend who has changed my life and saved my life in more ways than i can count - had a very close call. vague vague, yes yes, because her battle is not for the little-ness of my blog, my tiny sand pit where i put words into buckets and prop them up until they fall... she is much greater and bigger than that.

but she is breathtaking. she is strong, and wise, and i would die for her. she is brave, and incredible, and full of life and fire and energy, and if a single person tries to hurt what she is doing, i'll stop at nothing to bring that down as fast as i can, with peace, yes, but i will.

i first saw her outside a cafe. it was under a year ago, oh yes. she was tiny, this beautiful tiny punk angel with a skateboard and a beautiful shy grin, and a wild mane of black hair and with studs in her cheeks - cigarette from her fingers. she loved the bunnies straight away. she walked into my sloppy, disorganised house, and just took to it, and was excited by my nest of a room, its strange smells, my own eccentricities and the fact i am a pain in the arse to live with. she took all this, all the dullness and the confusion i was feeling, the blank walls and my blank and cold and heaving sobbing lonely heart (i'd just had the worst break up i've experienced) and made everything beautiful again.

i spoke to her today for the first time since she went away. hearing her voice again made me almost cry. i cannot say how much i love this girl, how wonderful and magical she is. and she's safe for now, and i will fight for her in my tiny tiny snuffle nosed bunny, far away city sort of way, however i can. because she is Something Else. she touches things and makes them magical. this city is colder and uglier without her, in more ways than i can say. this country is.

when someone you love like that is in danger, it changes everything. your body seizes up, muscles under your skull frozen into place. your fingers cannot move right. your heart cannot move right. NOTHING moves right. because you want to run to them and save them, faster than light, but there's nothing you can really do. and you realise this just collapses over and over itself for so many people all around the world.

she loved autumn, and owls, and soy milk poured over blueberries. she is a vegan, with the most amazing hair on earth, and adorable denim skirts with leopard print and cheetah patches. she is compassionate and fiery and intelligent and sharp, SO sharp, but the kindest, most gentle soul on earth. we watched the bunnies in the apartment, drinking goon from the bag, saying 'hoppity hoppity hop!' and photocopying random items in the apartment on the printer.

love.