simple

why is it that something so simple seems to allude me so completely?

there are not a lot of things in life that i really, really want. it's very simple, really. i want a job that i enjoy. i want friends that i love. i want little animals around me. i want to be able to live with myself. i want a partner who loves me, who i love, who wants me, and who i want. i want to sleep well at night, and be awake in the day. i want, one day, to share a house with someone who loves me, and who i love, someone who wants me, and who i want. i want some plants that i don't kill, music i like, words that i can make into sentences, and books i can read. i want someone who wants to talk about books with me, whose eyes light up just knowing i am alive.

i want to not feel so frightened and insecure and lost and a l o n e. i want to not feel like all i do is fuck up and fuck up the one thing that really, is more important to me than anything else. why the fuck am i such a pathetic, useless failure at this? why does it have to hurt so much, so very much of the time? why can i not just get my fucking shit together? why am i such an unattractive, undesirable creature? why does it feel like years since someone's wanted to rip my clothes off with desire and passion and love and ... that sense of wanting someone else?


what am i fucking missing? what am i doing so very, very wrong? i am so tired. really. of not having this. and it hurts. i see the monster who snapped me into countless pieces - promised me the world and then essentially told me i was not enough for him anymore, i see he has all this, and i am jealous beyond comprehension. not of his new partner - i do not want to be with him - but of HIM. i am jealous that he, this ... this... beast who made me feel like nothing, who drove my sense of worth into the ground, now he has a partner, a house, a baby - someone who wants to sleep with them every night, and build a life with them. and i? i feel sometimes like the person i am seeing is happy to not see me for a week or two, or more. that once or twice a week, a few hours, watching tv, not saying a word, is all he wants of me, and i am just not enough at all. not pretty or nice or sweet or good enough at all. i feel like nothing. i feel too big and too small and too smart and too dumb and too ... too... arghtghghg.

in months, he's stayed at my house once. once. i do not know why this hurts so much, but it does. i am crying myself to sleep again. it's been a long time. but it's hurting so much, and i feel so ugly and small and like i have nothing to say of interest anymore, and nothing beautiful, and nothing magical, and nothing hidden, and nothing nothing nothing and i am disappearing and it doesn't even Matter now.

and i don't know what i am supposed to do.