rain

... storm rain, coming in my window. just a spray of it.

i quote the effie dee here, when i say 'something in me broke last night' though for me, it was different. it was past a place of sadness and monsters in the dark, and shadows under the bed. treading water lightly next to me, just under the surface, they lurk. and then they swoop the second i am quiet. it covers me, and it is dark and i am broken.

but i was not scared.

i can't say how amazing that is. i feel broken. the sticky gum is falling. i am not depressed though, i am not terrified, and i am not alone. i just feel fractured and broken and very very fragile. i walk softly and gently, and carefully over the glass i've left behind. there is nothing solid about me. there is nothing solid around me. it is all made of shadows and smoke and mirrors and it can, with a gust of wind, reform into new shapes at any moment in time.

i don't know if i can fix this, or how i could, or if i even will. i don't know if it needs to be fixed. there is something wholly broken about me though. it doesn't mean i cannot function, it doesn't mean i am useless. it just means something doesn't quite work right.

the air smells soft now. not like anything i can put into words, or analogize or mock into phrases. it smells good, and wet and sharp. it smells very different from brisbane rain. canberra winter, the smell out in the open, in winter time, is one of the most beautiful things i've ever experienced.

i need to sleep more. i need my room, and my walls, and my nest, and my bunnies.