well, i've opened my blog up a little more now. hardly publicised, but it's not hidden. i've had a habit of doing so after a previous one was 'unearthed' - not that it was particularly salacious, unless you count a rather tedious diatribe about a nasty break up to be of interest - by someone who i'd rather, well, didn't contact me. if by some peculiar chance they choose to this time, well - /insert image of me, one eyebrow raised, confusion lighting up my face/.
reading wise, i've slowed down with the season. winter makes me withdraw, and i over-filled my time for six months. i fell behind at work, i fell behind in my general movements, and become tired. so now, i recharge. i'm listening to podcasts, and knitting a lace shawl from a pattern off ravelry. i'm trying to get better at chess; my Gentleman-Caller is excellent (he claims coyness...) and i'd like to at least be slightly more challenging than the feeble, easily defeated moppet i currently am.
workwise, i am attempting Ambition. there's a half-hearted attempt for me to find places to Go Towards. lots of dim lit scattered capital letters. they are quietly optimistic, but realistic at the same time.
things i've never seriously contemplated are seeming like serious and viable options - this is exciting and scary. i'm looking at circles and sparkles and i'm not sure how this makes me feel, other than extraordinarily happy, in a way that's new to me.
blogging is something that comforts me. i feel happy enough and safe enough to return to it, without more hungry ghosts leaping down my throat at phrases that do not belong to them. i've been doing this since 2000. it's how i purge. and i do it in silence, and not for an audience, and i occasionally forget, and remember again. it's like life drawing - the art of finding, and losing and finding the image over and over again until some sort of whole is made up. that's what blogging does, it creates a space for thinking and feeling and gives a comfortable context.
i'm thinking about study. real study - abstract, non-vocational, internal, intense study. everything is paused for the next six months though, until i know where i am going, and my god-forsaken library masters is over. two more subjects, and i have the paper, and i'll be walking out, awarded, MIS behind my name. furiously hungry to get rid of it. furiously eager to dig my teeth into something else. itching for this little patch of waiting and tapping my toes and saving every penny and eating out of cans to empty so i can uplift my belongings and start start start... perhaps.
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This is why I have 2 blogs, narky ex means my personal one has to be shut down to search engines, although I am 'advertising' it a little more now. It could be found using a little initiative and detective work but I care less and less as time goes on...
ReplyDeleteI thought about shutting the personal one down - it hardly had a readership, what was the difference between that and a personal journal? Answer: I enjoy the challenge of writing about stuff that interests and provokes me in a way that's 'suitable' for public consumption, ie more than just a rant. My journal continues to be a safe place for my more rabid ranting but my blog is safe enough for my kids to read without hiding any real truth from them.
i tried the two - i had a professional 'library' one - but didn't use it. i self censor a lot in this because it's relatively on show, but i am more honest.
ReplyDeletethe old one was shut down completely after i got a nasty email from someone who must have hunted it down specifically - i hid this one until i figured he surely would have better things to do now. plus, he'd need to start up a new damn email account to contact me, given the number of blocks, hah.