space

cut open a vein and let me see what is inside tonight.

and i don't mean this as more than a passing reference, a graze, maybe, to self mutilation. i am just talking about rawness, and falling, and trust, and opening your heart again with the simple ugly understanding that you will JUST lose them in time and it , maybe, all that you deserve.

i don't know. when i drink too much i end up just hating myself. i forget that. and when i wonder, or worry, if i am misplacing and that oh no, why the fuck would they care? then i am horrified and scared.  and i look impassive in the face of that because i guess that's how i survive this. i don't know.

i feel like my own ignorance is a catch phrase. and what are you DOING with your life and your brain and your heart and your purpose? i drink it away and i move day to day hand to mouth, gnaw to gnaw, whim to whim with no direction.  and i hate it, and i turn it inside and i hate myself for it. 

i forgot to get more pills and i feel an aching sickness in my stomach of effexor withdrawals.  oh GOD boy, why do you bother with me when you are beautiful and smart and have the whole world in your hands. you have had women so much more gaspingly wonderful than i. i am just some scruffy idiotic australian girl with nothing to say of worth. oh GOD why do you bother?  i would not bother with me. 


i need to drag myself back and sleep now. i sense the lights draining out of my heart and i sense a darkness fading in, and i need to pull back and fix this before i snap.