uni vers ity end god please

 it makes me wracked.  wrecked.  i end up useless and moved without warning from high to low. stress is unbearable for me - it shifts my moods faster and faster and they run rings around me. i end up not knowing what i am doing, or where i am going, or why, and i forget things, like getting to work on time, or how to stay awake, or how to sleep, or why i can't spend all my money, or what i was studying today, or even why i was bothering, why? what am i DOING? it's not like i am career focused to start with - but combined with study and stress and frustration and chewing off my legs in irritation and slowness and static one day will this fucking END feeling i forget why i bother.

i am bored. i am bored out of my mind. i need something to ram against, and push against. i need something that's so hard and complex i cannot solve it. this is why i date so many arse holes. they are puzzles, ugly mutated ones, that i want to put together.  i want to pull myself apart and spread out my organs, one by one, and tell my own fortune from the entrails.

i want this semester to be over.


i also just finished reading Benjamin Law's book :

which made me feel really really happy and warm. there's one essay that ends just an inch too soon, but apart from that, i just adored it. he is funny, but it's also really touching and simple, and... kind?  you have the most intimate feeling for the family, the loved ones, and  yet you don't feel as though it's an invasive look at someone's family - it's respectful, and open, and funny, and there's fart jokes. i love all that stuff.




still plodding in Moby Dick. it's delicious and heavy and i want to swim in the fat of the words.