sleepless

curiouser and curiouser. 

i am a sleepy kitten by nature. i doze when i shouldn't, i sleep all day if i can, and it's easy for me to drop off the wire.

and right now, as it's been for EVERY night for the last few weeks, (pretty much since i started the breakfast eating thing), i am awake after one am, functional, clear thoughts, unable to sleep, unable to even get close. not manic energy either. it's just .... awake.  blurry, perhaps a little? but it's not asleep, it's not close.

right now, i am walking.  each day, when i walk, i focus on the way i put my feet on the ground. this is less obscure than you would think - my feet roll over onto the arch when i walk - they always have. a strange, small part of me has always blamed myself - as though this was happening because i was lazy, and i didn't be bothered walking properly. that's just not true - it's to do with a tendon being too short, bones becoming deformed in my feet, and muscle memory.  but now, when i walk, i focus on how my feet fall, on each muscle and movement, and how to make them push into the ground and off the ground, the rolling of bones next to each other, that soreness i always have in my feet that little bit rougher from the tensing of tendons, and stretching and grinding in different ways.


i am not sure if this sort of active walking helps my life in any way. i am restless and draped in that ennui again, waiting waiting for something dramatic to happen. i am sleep walking but awake, so awake, wanting to be dragged feet first out into the street and shown to the world again.  here i am waiting, waiting, waiting for something to take me, arms outstretched and head thrown to the sky, waiting.   it's blank idealism wanting this, wanting huge emotions to sweep me off my feet. the passions keep getting dimmer, now.   i fee softer degrees, more subtle shifts. but i want that madness again. i want to be drunk on passion and lust and love. i want to want to lie in bed memorising someone's face. i am grabbing at this feeling and it slips away before it forms into substance.  i need to let go.