space

the thing that defines me to you, you little wonderland, is the spaces. it is the things unsaid, undone, not felt, not able to happen, and what is not.

that makes it no less wonderful, and you no less wise.

......


i just watched 'where the wild things are' - it strikes me as the sort of movie which everyone takes something significantly different away from it with them.

visually, it is beautiful. the acting is just wonderful - the costumes, the sets, the movement, the light - they capture the darkness and the thrills and the complexity of childhood incredibly. childhood is not some halcyon of joy and innocence - it is full of things you do not understand, things you cannot control, the possibility of loss and horror, and all you understand is what you need. and when you are lonely and sad? it is miserable.

children can be depressed, just as they can be angry and scared and alone or joyous and excited. just because they are newer to the world does not make their experience of it any less valid.

for me, it was incredibly moving. it was an amazing illustration of the terror and sadness and often the darkness of childhood. that lack of control, that lack of context, that lack of understanding all these horrible tiny things - that inability to be heard, that feeling that everyone else is too busy, too occupied - and that you are naughty and wrong, and you don't know how to make it better. children can be terrors. they cannot communicate with words, so they wreck things. it is the anger of some sort of horrid, scary impotence.

it also flickered at how hard it always is. even when we kind of start to understand what other people want, and we get a better perspective, it's still scary. it's still Really hard to get along with other people, or help other people.

it is difficult to be selfless and kind, to be soft and not hard, to trust, to let people in, to let go. it is amazingly difficult. it is so hard to hear what other people say sometimes.

it wasn't hopeful, it didn't tell the audience that things get better or easier, or that there is any solution - just that if you love people, and if you listen to people, you might get there. it helps. it doesn't make it perfect, and sometimes, it doesn't make it ok. it doesn't stop the world being terrifying. but if you are honest, and open, and take risks, and let the people who love you in, then things are a bit better. then, you are not alone.

right now? i feel really alone. i feel like someone i care about is not able to let me any closer in, and i feel selfish for trying, because until other things are sorted out, there's nothing i can do, or ask of them, or... yeah. it hurts.